Where My Heart Is

It is the last day of mid-terms. I can ALMOST hear my heart sing. I hate any week that revolves around tests. Nasty. I also hate math. HATE. HATE. HATE. Loathe entirely.

My roommate has her bags packed to go. My suitemates too. It makes me sad.. I wish I could up and follow them all home. However, my spring break will consist of working the cafe. And sleep. Lots and lots of sleep.


Spring break reminds me of my first love. His name was Dalton. We met at church. And I loved him with my entire heart. This weather makes me miss him. Missing people is stupid.. Did I mention that it's almost spring break? SPRING BREAK!!!! Although I don't have to drive 13 hours -- like my roomie -- I'm ready to be home. I miss my bed. I miss couches. I miss my piano. And I miss the familiar. I suppose I could technically leave my dorm and go home anytime. But I have this best friend from work who supplies my home needs. Our nights consist of talking about life, eating Baskin Robbins ice cream, and watching American Idol episodes that we've missed. I love my friends.

Ready for the day dream I'm living lately?

It's a good one.

I'll trade my beautiful things and silly expensive possessions that I never REALLY needed and my car in for an old truck. You know the kind with a large steering wheel and one long seat. And I'll find a dog named Paul Anka to keep me company, he'll sit next to me with his head out the window. We'll follow the map the warmest places and sleep by the water. Eat oranges and write children stories.

Maybe I'll change my name to Marilyn. And work in a small cafe on the weekends. I'll meet someone who makes me feel pretty even on my ugly days, someone who settles me and loves oranges too.

And we'll live in an old house with large windows and a ghost story. With a wrap around porch and a sun room. He'll smoke his pipe in the den and I'll put lights in every room because I hate the dark. And we'll live with the blinds open, in front of God and the ghost and everyone. I'll do the grocery shopping and he'll handle the bills. I'll teach at a nearby school, and he will work during the days. We won't have people over because we don't like them, but we'll sit on our porch and watch them. And we'll sing together because it's good for your soul. And laugh every day, and grow very very old.

The End. I know it's ridiculous.

I am headed to chapel. And hopefully to make an A on my math midterm!

The Beginning Is The Best Place To Start

It's time! I've entered the blogging community. Is it bad to say this is for a class? Ah well. I suppose there could be worse assignments. Like that 32 hour observation report for my education class (that has been calling my name since day one of the semester). I'm not sure how I feel about blogs. Reading is an interest of mine; writing as well. But do I want to publish MY thoughts to the internet? Negative. Do I want to make an A in my class? Affirmative (Dr. Chance.. you love me).

This is supposed to be an account of my last semester as a freshman at Harding (life, ramblings, and such). I suppose I'll give it a shot.

Life lately has just been hard. Am I the only one who is feeling that? Yesterday I went to a nearby coffee shop. The barista asked how I was.. I replied, "Life is just handing me lemons." I think my reply caught him off guard from the usual "good" he probably received. And at this point, I wish I had stuck with the normal, taken my iced latte -- and went on my merry way. However, he just sincerely smiled at me and said, "I completely understand." That's all I need to hear sometimes. I need someone to tell me that they understand. I'm probably just crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy.

If anyone truly knows me, they know that I hate making decisions. I have a hard time handling disappointment. And that I love Harding. BUT...(there's always one).. due to weird circumstances involving money, I may not be attending Harding again in the Fall. I'm doing all that I can at this point in the game. Trying to explain all of the technical details would just be pointless. However, I'm praying so hard about this. I know that I could be happy at the local community college. If that were to happen, I would be able to have my own apartment (a dream of mine). This is harder than it should be though. Because I love my friends here. I love my club. I love that I'm growing spiritually. I love my roommate. I wish that I knew what the future held, but that would just take all the fun outta life, wouldn't it?

I am stumbling, but we are stronger after we break. We're being refined and grown and shaped. And the important part, the part that we don't see because it is too hard to see anything but ourselves -- it is His Kingdom. And it is this great hope: that we are children of The King. And that He is The King who redeems wrecked people. And who loves us enough to mend us.

And even though some days He feels so distant that I feel blind and terribly alone, I can not question Him. I belong to Him and it is good to belong to Him.


Current Music: The Civil Wars. (just click it)